This was a post in the vault that I could never put to paper. I thought it would be too challenging to properly express how so very grateful I am to have had no issue conceiving, while still being able to accurately bash the 10 months of pregnancy sans holding back.
Pregnant women have written to me with their weighted woes, pardon the pun. Some are loyal readers that have some important suggestions for those who happen to not be pregnant. I’ll assume their angry rants have nothing at all to do with hormones? Ha!
An obvious intro. Never looked quite like this before… may be a tad sensitive… may be a wee bit nervous, apprehensive, moody, sensitive, swollen, tired, pimply, stretch mark-y, feet like sausages, breath like dragons, what’s with my tits?… Who are you and why are you touching my stomach? If I may please speak on behalf of my hefty sistas, let this be a lesson. Don’t ask if they’re having twins, don’t suggest that they ‘must be ready to pop’, don’t insist they are nearing the end and don’t guess how far along they are… don’t, don’t, don’t. The only thing you should say to an obviously pregnant woman is: “you look wonderful darling” and wrap it up!
Reason why pregnancy is a drag #2 – Sacrifice
It was a plus sign. It’s on. Pour out the beer, hide the wine, break the butts, cut the sushi, shelf the shellfish, trim the cheese, drink the milk, mind the heart rate, count the kicks, take the blood, pee in the cup, not in your pants, have the sex, read the books, buy the clothes – the ugly ones… I can’t sleep! I’m gonna throw up! What do you mean I can’t dye my hair? WHERE’S MY DAMN COFFEE?!
In a few long months, you will push a tiny human out of your crotch. Nope, that won’t hurt at all. You think it’s a good idea to hang with some new moms until they get down and dirty while one upping each other with their dirty delivery details. Epidurals, do you or don’t you? Drugs, heroines, mid-wives, butchers, stitches… tearing, episiotomies, Jesus.
Pregnancy is a drag although it may actually be adequate preparation for your next lifetime… of sacrifice, anxiety, stress and yes, weight and appearance issues. No woman can ever imagine the rocking her world will take and as a tutorial, we have pregnancy. It is our first introduction to the ultimate consideration… that of another life… one that when you meet, will all become worth it. You would do it all over again the very next minute just to see that baby, YOUR baby.