Truth #39 – We can’t handle criticism

Does my ass look fat?  Does my sauce need salt?  Do you think I should renovate?  YES, YES and YES!  Without being a snatch, critical opinions are encouraged!

When it comes to motherhood though, we can’t take it.  It’s above us.

“You’re not tough enough… You really need to get out more… You have to let your baby cry… You worry too much… Your kids shouldn’t sleep in your bed… They don’t eat healthy enough… You have to limit their TV… They’re way too old for pacifiers…”  My blood pressure is rising just writing down these all too familiar, antagonistic and hardly helpful remarks!  Wrap it up, shut er’ down, piss right off.  We might not say it but we’re thinking it people!  Let me be clear – these are all rude statements not sweet suggestions.  Rude statements suck for us.

LOOK, this is our job!  Our all-too-precious life’s work!  Naturally we would prefer to excel at it and it frightens us that we could be falling a shade short.  Imagine walking into work and being criticized every time you do something different, even though your information is based on documented personal research and results!  Now pretend that NO coworker has EVER substituted for you in any of those critical times!  People… We are the managers of our tiny employees so if you’ve never done it, then surely you don’t know it!

We know what they want.  We live our lives at their fingertips and only rarities remain unseen to us.  The letter of child law may work for 90% of babies that participate in the day’s particular study, but if I say it didn’t ring true with MINE, well then it simply didn’t!

Unless there are serious parenting issues, I’m sorry to be the one to say it but the Mother Truth is – Unless we’re askin’… You had best be lyin’!

Photos from here and here and here

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Truth #38 – We would like our baby back

After numerous pow-wows with fellow moms on this topic, it’s unanimous.  If you fail to settle our crying baby, hand them over.  Promptly would be nice.

When we’re not there…

Sincerely sorry.  You’re on your own you sweet and generous people! And hey…  THANKS again for babysitting!

When we ARE there…

We are just as upset as you that our baby isn’t performing.  We pray for them to always be on their best behaviour when people are around because we can actually enjoy ourselves too… more importantly, it makes us look capable and in constant control!  We want you to ‘like’ our baby and what stresses us out is knowing that sometimes, all the baby wants is to be handed back to mom!  It’s really annoying when a stubborn visitor will not oblige!  I’m not saying that a whimper or cry out is your cue to rush back, but if you ain’t doin’ the trick – hand over the damn baby!

DO NOT EVER…

… leave the room or disappear in the hopes that we won’t hear them because when they cry, we hear NOTHING else…

… make a snarly remark like “oooh, spoiled baby” or “hmmm, I think Mommy is holding you too much”.  Look, just because you failed to cure the cry, don’t put it on us…

… spastically shake the baby as though hopping swiftly up and down will make them cry less…!!!

Understand this, we realize that this isn’t always the right way to be.  If you happen to be a mom who mastered the art of looking the other way, AMEN to you but you are a rare breed…

Isn’t it better for everyone concerned when Mommy and baby are both content???

The Mother Truth is YES so make the switch!

Photos from here and here and here

Truth #37 – We love a good scoop

You know it!

I challenge any one of you to stay home day after day in the company of small and innocent minds – so pure, before any taint, so uninterested in good dirt – and tell me that you don’t wanna know.  PAAALEEEZ people.  It’s damn irresistible.

It’s not like we celebrate break-ups or bask in the joy of hearing that your ex has now become ex – tra large, but come on people!   We just wanna know about it!  We wanna choke on something other than the rotten smell of formula or today’s creamy diaper!

Good scoop consists of numerous things spanning from wonderful to disastrous…  So and so are finally pregnant after trying for years… She cheated on him… He lost his job…  They’re finally getting hitched!

I for one, am not enthusiastically dancing to the beat of anyone’s catastrophe.  At some point, misfortune will shit down my leg as well so I will try to make a conscious decision to keep it clean.  I too, like all of you, could potentially be the next one on the ‘Chef’s dish’.

Scoop out the ice cream mammas, keeps us from melting …

Photos from here and here and here

Truth #36 – Mother’s Day IS a big deal

That being said, according to a study done by the University of Washington, the day after Mother’s Day is the 2nd most likely day of the year that we hungry and fed up feline’s will initiate extramarital affairs!  Pfff… apparently our partners are failing to perform on our banner day!

Not buying the Study?  Here is a fact.  Heard of the online phenom Ashley Madison? Granted, I’d like to set fire to their home base but apparently I’m a minority because on the day following last Mother’s Day 2010, they welcomed        31, 427 ready and willing new female members!

… And why do you presume that is?  Isn’t it obvious?  Women will stay and fight, fever through fire but if you happen to ignore us on Mother’s Day, you may just become our history.  Just ask Aretavia Kimbrough of Staten Island who spent a night in jail after clocking her baby daddy over the head with a frying pan.  “I hit him with a pot and I’m glad I did… I’ve been with him for seven years and he never bought me nothing”.

All joking aside.  We are most deeply identified with our most meaningful title, that of Mother.  When we meet someone, we say first that we are Mothers.  If we were never proud before, we have welcomed a new-found pride because we are Mothers.

Mother’s Day may be yet another Hallmark holiday but isn’t it one that should have always been? Creation, Religion, Mothers Day… !  It’s a well-known fact and a hard hit hiccup – we are not adequately compensated for our sacrifice!!

Don’t forget us on our true name day.  We care not for our birthdays and we’re expected to own all other holidays – so much so that we rarely enjoy them.  However because we are Mothers, we are satisfied providing the feast and watching our families enjoy it.  Give us Mother’s Day.  Tell her what a great mom she is.  There is no better compliment you can pay her.  Acknowledge the day for which she most cherishes, give her thanks and praise her life’s purpose.  Next Mother’s Day make a point to stop and watch.  You may witness a stunningly powerful emotion emitted between a mom and her child on Mother’s Day when it is so simply stated “Happy Mother’s Day Mom”.

Photos from here and here and here

Truth #35 – We will be offended if you don’t come see the baby

I’ve posted alike before and I stand by my convictions… you don’t quite know until you get there.  Keeping that in mind, we should probably go easy on the still single or sans-baby friends that might not grasp the magnitude of it all.

You heard it here!  You WILL go hungry in the doghouse unless you visit the new creation and while it’s still hot!  I am claiming to be Mother Truth and will therefore admit to you this… Thank God that it was me who was the first Mommy among my friends because I would probably be hovering atop that naughty list.  I was the prime example of ‘selfish girl meets mommyland’ and it knocked my stinkin’ socks off – yes, pun intended…

I remember sitting around a certain table and watching a distant relative’s toddler knock off the alphabet while her parents nodded approvingly and surrounding company erupted in applause.  I distinctly recall peering around the room struggling to grasp why the hell that was such a big deal!  Cold?  Uh-huh, definitely.  That was me though, probably sipping a cold one, completely disconnected to all things baby.

Rounding back to my point… Go see the damn baby!  If you don’t, and rather promptly, we will most likely talk a bit of shit about you!  The Mother Truth is that there has never been nor will there ever be, a bigger, better or crazier thing happen to your girl!  No success of a job or failure of a relationship will DEMAND your closest friends’ attention quite like the birth of their new baby.

Out came a tiny human… Our brand new, somewhat scary, and ever-so-fragile tiny human.  Come have a peek – or – BOO to you!

Photos from here and here and here

Truth #34 – We abuse that sweet car lullaby

When our arms wanna snap off and our ears bleed for plugs and our eyes become weights and we just can’t take it anymore

THANK GOD FOR THOSE WHEELS!

Truth #33 – No more personal commitments

It’s been a while and I’m sorry.  My apology is directed primarily at myself because yet again, what I needed took the seat at the back of the bus.  Thank you ladies for checking in but motherhood took a big shit on my personal commitment.

I’m sure that one day soon I’ll be able to commit to something other than my kids, my husband, and my work.  I do get it though… these are the days of sacrifice but it doesn’t mean that I’ve gotta take it up the rectum with a toothy smile.

It’s like I said…  I started this blog for a few good reasons but mainly for me dammit.  After long days of full service to my little ladies, it has been therapeutic for me to write a bit about it.  BUT because the last few weeks have been my personal March Madness, it is without a doubt MY hobby, MY enjoyment, and the commitment to myself that fell off the to-do list.

You may be reading this and thinking, “get a grip Nat, if you would just ask for help you shall receive”.  Perhaps.  But wouldn’t I be criticized, even ostracized by the tougher crowds if I would have put my blogging needs before my 2 kids under 3 with strep throat, marking 200 College essays and exams, sexy time, making healthy meals, grocery shopping, laundry…???

A simple example … Your bestie invites you to a party she’s having and you say ‘hell yeah’.  The night of the party your kid throws up a couple times and is lookin’ pretty green.  Probably gonna stay home now right?  Maybe you send your husband in your place?  But momma stays home.  The Mother Truth is that these days, ‘hell yeah’ equals ‘hell yeahUNLESS…’.  At least until our babies are grown.

My point remains that we neglect our interests in the equation of importance.  We make time to do family hour and kiddie corner but the me-time hobbies are ultimately among the first surrendered.  We are mothers and it is WE who signed up… and what a fulfilling lifetime contract it is.

Photos from here and here and here