Mother Truth

In honor of a brand new arrival, here is an impromptu post close to my heart.  Congratulations my friends!  I was cheering you on the whole time.

A new tiny human will be joining us and it’s you who will ultimately make it happen.  Labour is long and horrendous but it’s so wonderful to know that, although you are doing all the work, the people you love are standing by cheering and anxiously waiting to welcome the precious end result.

Remember the feeling of actually heading to the hospital?  Are you in labour or aren’t you?  “Shit, I think so but I’ve never done this before so I can’t be sure!” or “I’ve done this before but this is so entirely different!”  Once you’re checked by the Doctor and it’s on, you start to immediately want to let your loved ones know that you’re at the hospital and that the end is near!  Some of us send a text or designate a communicator.  Either way, you want people to know as they have been emotionally invested in your journey throughout the last 9 months.  You want them to know that today marks the first day of the rest of your life to hold and to love, to sacrifice and to cherish the baby that will be in your arms, the baby that will forever change your name to “Mom”.

To all of you who were waiting in the wings, thank you.  Although you did nothing for the pain, you did so much for the will to barrel through it.  Once the angel arrives and breathes for the first time, looks up at you for direction, feels your skin and formally meets you face to face, you would do it all over again in an instant.  Ultimate blessings today to all of you new tiny humans, and your kick ass new mommies.  We will never forget the ones applauding in the crowd.

Photos from here and here and here

Being proud is natural but bragging is tacky.

KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE

Where is the line?  It’s a fine one no doubt but know your audience and you should be in the clear.  If your child gets straight A’s, tell your mom or sister and let them share in your legitimate joy.  It may even be okay to tell your close friends or cousins, provided your relationship is in tact.  Don’t find yourself slipping it in when you’re in the middle of small talk with your neighbor.

BE SENSITIVE TO OTHERS

A Mother Truth reader suggested I include the following scenario in one of my posts.  Her little man is up every hour when he should be sleeping far better by now.  She is running low on patience when certain fresh-faced and energized moms brag about having to wake up their babies in the morning because they sleep ultra soundly.  This new mom is exhausted and her new accessories are the bags that hang down to her ankles.  She more than likely doesn’t give a rat’s ass if your overachiever is sleeping through the night.

DON’T BUTT IN

My personal favorite! Let’s say you’re on the phone with a friend and she says: “Guess what?, my Jessica crawled today!”  She is so proud and stoked to share this news with you!  This would be a bad time to say: “Amanda tied her shoes for the first time!”  Let her have her moment, don’t rip it off.

IT EMBARRASSES YOUR KIDS

Period.

There is no one that can make you more proud than your baby!  It’s partly because their achievements are a reflection on our performance as mothers and all we want is to succeed for them.  It’s also in part because we want to see them experience jubilation! Felicity! Elation! – because of something they have done.  That they may know the greatest feelings and be committed to chasing them throughout their lives.  It is not our job to impose on them these emotions because only they can feel them for themselves.  Support them, absolutely.  Provide for them, surely.  But brag about them no more.  They may begin to believe our nonsense and as a result become overconfident, making the inevitable fall much harder.

And, it’s tacky.

Photos from here and here and here

We would rather win.

I am by no means saying that we are all radical soccer moms who show up to our 4 year old’s house league games to aggressively cheer from the sidelines or worse, to participate in the trash talking of toddlers and preschoolers.   Although not always the case, at this age it SHOULD be all about fun and social interaction or it can be something you do with your kid on the weekends.  It could even be a way to knock them out so they take a nap and you can have a sec to yourself.  Ultimately though, if your ballsy enough to admit that there’s a part of you that wants your kid to win or even score, then you’re not alone.

This truth has nothing at all to do with kids playing soccer, or any sport for that matter.  It’s about wanting them to win at something.

Please let my children not be average at everything. Let them experience passion and desire, motivation and dedication to a purpose they love and are just plain good at.  However important it is to feel the pain in loss, it is equally important to feel the joy in gain.  There is no doubt that it’s imperative for them to experience defeat after having climbed the mountain and at the end, still losing.  But it is our sincere hope that they will one day cheer because they have clutched the freedom in victory.

It’s a lie to insist it’s always ‘in good fun’, because it’s not natural.  If that’s the case, although not politically correct, I hope my kids kick your kids asses.  Whether or not you will admit it, you are beyond offended that I said that because if you’re a mother, you are reasonably competitive.  It’s our nature.

The only people we want to beat us are our children.  Beat us at love, beat us at life, beat us at work and beat us at family.  It’s okay to say it…  when it comes to our little humans, it’s almost never about the exercise.

Photos from here and here and here

Before babies, I was definitely guilty of judging although there are various levels of off-side interference.  For example, I would have never dreamed of suggesting a strategy to a mom or showing my disapproval so all could see.  Although some people do, it’s inappropriate on so many levels.  I will admit however that I may have been a little annoyed on an airplane, a little put out in a restaurant, a little disturbed at the beach.  I may have suggested solutions under my breath like ‘shut that kid up!’ or ‘isn’t anyone gonna do something about this!’ or THE CLASSIC ‘my kids will never get away with that’!

Oh, how easy it was to judge having never been there.

Before you have babies, your life is simply yours.  Free to roam and be with nature and your surroundings.  We could go through a checkout line at Wal-mart without constantly restricting grabby little hands.  We could enter bakeries and banks without ramming our strollers through the narrow lanes.  We could ‘just run into’ the corner store to grab a bag of milk.  We could go to a restaurant and actually read the menu  hoping to satisfy our palates rather than choosing the easiest thing to cook and eat because Lord knows you have max 30 minutes.

If you haven’t been there, find it within yourself to launch a little compassion our way rather than passing such harsh judgment.  The mom on the plane is praying the whole time that her kid doesn’t embarrass her.  The mom at the beach is just trying to catch some vitamin E rather than cabin fever or the indoor blues.  The mom at the grocery store would much prefer reading the labels over frantically filling her cart around the car seat or high jumping toddler.  The whole time she’s driving to the restaurant to have someone serve her for a change, she’s wondering if she should just turn around and order pizza.

Smile at her when her toddler throws a tantrum… because she’s sweating.  Laugh with her when her baby starts a twinkle twinkle chant… because she’s blushing.  Wink at her when you catch a whiff of something foul… because she’s so hoping you didn’t.  Be patient with her when she’s fumbling around in her diaper bag attempting to retrieve that damn bottle… because all she wants to do is feed her child.  AND since we’re telling the truth, make no mistake.  She wouldn’t give it up for the world, ever.

Photos from here and here and here

In a world where it is acceptable to name your kid Apple, don’t tell me you can’t come up with something on your own.

The following is an account summary of several conversations with new moms.  The end result is as follows.  Most mothers consulted are in agreement.

THE STEALER

Situation Stealer A – Before Pregnancy

You’re not yet pregnant but plan to be one day.  You tell someone your baby name in the hopes that they will not use it.  They take it without asking first.  Ummm… Stealer.

Situation Stealer B – When Pregnant

You tell someone your girl and boy names while pregnant.  You end up having a boy and use your boy name.  They get pregnant, have a girl and steal your girl name pretending you never told them what it was!  You may have more kids.  STEALER!

The victim of the next story is a friend and will remain anonymous.  Two friends were pregnant at the same time.  Friend A asks Friend B what her baby names are, having not yet chosen hers.  Friend B is clearly naive and reveals her names to Friend A.  Friend A gives birth to her baby first and STEALS the name from Friend B before she has had the chance to use it!  OFF-SIDE, NO FORGIVENESS EVER, STEALER!

THE COPYCAT

Simple.  You copy a friend or family member’s baby name after they have already used it.  It’s weird.  What’s the point?  Unless of course you have both agreed to both use it, in that case, no hard feelings.  This is only wrong when no conversation has been had prior to or post copycat and you’re sitting around the table at family dinners with 2 Emily’s.

THE CRYBABY

To all you grandmothers reading who can’t remember dealing with these shenanigans back in your day, this next situation happened, and over 30 years ago.  The crybaby is she who has NEVER communicated a desired baby name, YET when she hears that a pregnant woman in her circle is planning on using it, she calls her and begs her not to do it!!  Unacceptable which is why it is always better to state your name!   State the name and make it clear that you will be less than impressed if somebody stole it.

The moms out there who have chosen “top 40” names are not exempt.  You made the choice to use a popular baby name because you love it!  Kudos to you!  Top 40 names are all beautiful which is why they’re the most popular.  Just because you picked a popular name, doesn’t mean those closest to you have an excuse to steal it.  The same respect should be awarded to you but you can’t expect everyone to steer clear.

 The Mother Truth is that names are a serious hot topic.  My husband and his friends found it so fascinating that they suggested keeping an e-chart among family and close pals to avoid confusion and emerging cat claws!  All things aside, naming is so incredibly personal to new parents.  The question most often asked of a pregnant woman is:  ‘how are you feeling… ?  The second is most always:  ‘have you chosen any names yet?’!  So if you can, think of your OWN damn name because the mommy masses will not approve of an inappropriate steal, copy or crybaby!

Photos from here and here

“Oh my God, they look EXACTLY like your husband! Absolutely NOTHING like you!” “… And whose gorgeous children are these?”  “You don’t even look related!”  Or my personal favorite, “I really thought this one was gonna look like you but I was so wrong!”

Seriously?  You’ve gotta be a bit of a moron to think that any mom would get a kick out of this kind of inappropriate conviction!

If you can’t already tell, my kids look nothing like me.  Surprisingly enough, I’m not blind so therefore plenty aware.  I’m not particularly thrilled about it, yet everyone seems to wanna tell me anyway.  Odds are if you can see it, I can see it, so it’s highly unlikely that I appreciate your relentless persistence.

My brother-in-law was at the park the other day watching a soccer game and one of the team wives brought her three kids to watch their dad play.  An obnoxious woman vigorously approached and before saying hello to the busy mom, she ranted that all three kids look exactly like her husband and then added how adorable they were for good measure.  Come on!  He was telling me the story and said that the mom of three was visibly annoyed.  Ya think?

I was at a wedding this summer and one of my friends was a bridesmaid.  She was holding her exquisite one year old daughter who was flower girl for the day.  You could see that she was such a proud mom showing off her baby girl at her best.  Sadly it didn’t last because she had to endure a whole receiving line of guests insisting that her daughter belonged to someone else.  She was really bummed out.  It’s just mean.

It’s one thing when your first-born looks like your husband; if said so nicely, it’s quite cute.  If your second and even third look more like the neighbor than you, it hurts a little.  Must I go through the 9 months, the sleepless nights, the body transformations, the emotional roller coaster, the pain!  At the end of it all we would absolutely like to see US in THEM!

To all you moms out there who have clones, this is clearly not for you and congrats because I know how wonderful it feels when a good-hearted liar tells me my kids look like me.

Here’s my advice if you feel the need to break a woman down.  Be gentle, say things like: “they really look like their dad but…  I can totally tell you’re their mom”, or “they have your smile” or my personal staple, “I can really see a nice mix here!”

We spent an entire year in pregnancy with one thing sticking out among our thoughts… “I wonder what this little angel is gonna look like”.  Whatever they look like we’ll love them like mad and that’s the real truth but it’s so so nice to hear they look a little like you!  So if they don’t, fine, but be gentle.

Photos from here and here

When is it safe? When do we no longer feel guilty about wanting a much-needed break? Maybe when we stop talking bad about moms who actually have the balls to take them.

I realize this is mommy controversial.  Many of us think young children absolutely need their moms full-time and that a week or two away can do harm.  Perhaps this would be true if our kids were left with sociopaths! Otherwise, come now.  Other than a sugar high from Grandma, what could typically go wrong?  We are complete ego-mommy-maniacs who think that no one can troubleshoot but us.  Granted, we are no doubt the best women for the job but what’s more important?  To be with your children while happy and rested or while exhausted and overwhelmed?  We end up becoming more and more opinionated while harboring resentment toward our husbands who supposedly do F-all and our neighbors who have nannies…  but especially toward the moms who have the courage to take a break.

“I could never leave my baby!”, umm, would you like a prize?  It’s almost like we feel this drive to mother ourselves crazy.  That we will achieve absolute mommy-martyrdom should we be awake for 72 consecutive hours while cooking, cleaning and having unwanted sex.  There is a mom on vacation somewhere who is tanned and getting a massage and she’s LAUGHING AT YOU!

It’s easy for me to say because I’ve never left my kids for more than 24 hours so there’s no one talking shit about me – well, on that subject anyway.  In fact, I may have participated in crazy talk about moms who have.  The truth is that it’s so hard to leave and God knows you’ll miss your babies but if they’re with someone who loves them, you’ll be better off because of it.  If leaving is not for you, at least be cool enough to give two thumbs up to the super moms who decided to take a vacation.

Photos from here and here

Even if we’re not, don’t be shy to throw it out there.

PREGNANCY

If your wife, girl, or friend seem to resemble a Hum Vee, DO NOT tell her the truth, ever. Stick to things like “you’re all belly”, “you hardly look pregnant”, and the tried, tested and true “you’re glowing!”. She is seeing something in the mirror that she’s hoping you don’t.  She is scanning her incredibly lame maternity selection attempting to pick whatever is most slimming.

AFTERWARDS

I would suggest that the green light zone for post-baby body compliments can last up to a full year after birth.  I am personally aware of how good this feels so right after I tell the new mom that her baby is fabulous, which should always be first, I fire the compliments her way.  Unless we have access to A-list surgeons and cold hard cash, the stretch marks and Buddha bellies hurt like hell so do something about it.  Let us know that we’re yummy mummies rather than hungry hippos.

As it should be, it’s all about the babies so don’t be afraid to pay a little attention to their moms.  We just launched a human missile, we’re sacrificing sleep and we no longer recognize our reflections or our breasts.  It’s not likely we’re looking our best so just lie –  it’ll be the best one ever told.

Photos from here and here and here

My daughter started to walk about a week after her 1st birthday.  I remember being bummed out because she wasn’t walking at her party for everyone to see.  Actually, I remember dragging her around by one arm forcing her to show everyone that she’s almost there.  I feel sick to my stomach admitting to that.

A little girl down the street was stepping lively at 10 months and my friend’s baby was chasing girls at his first birthday party.  The truth is, the average baby takes their first steps between 12 and 15 months but it doesn’t seem to matter.  The day your child turns one, people start asking with concern or telling you about their overachiever.  I’ve actually had someone tell me that they themselves were walking at 9 months.  Bravo Loser!  Not just random people are doing the interrogating but unfortunately your family, and not in a nice way, as though your tiny human didn’t meet their unrealistic expectations.  It’s so shameful and I’m embarrassed to say that I’ve participated!

So why do we participate?  Simple.  We want our kids to be talked about in a good way, seen in a favorable light, set the bar.  We don’t want negative thoughts directed at them.  We are also consumed with concern about their timely development.  Those damn books again!

Unless you’re an MD, don’t ask the development questions.  If they’re not walking around your ankles, it should be obvious that they haven’t mastered the art yet!  If they’re still in diapers, that’s probably where they crap!  If they can’t say M-A-M-A or D-A-D-A, then it’s highly likely that baby babble is still where it’s at!  It’s safe to say that us mothers know these things already and we don’t need you reminding us.  Unfortunately we’re thinking the same things and we can sense that you are too!

So many of us attend the baby races so let’s tone it down!  After all, after they start walking, they’ll start running… away from you!

Photos from here and here

After I had my second daughter people congratulated me just the same.  I know they were genuinely happy for me because after all, I had two perfectly healthy and thriving baby girls.  As a mother, that’s all you could ever hope for.  So why did so many people feel the need to ask me : “Are you gonna try for a boy?”  At least wait a minute no?  I just pushed out a human for *&% sakes!  I’m still super fat, exhausted and shockingly I guess, really thankful and proud to have given birth to yet another healthy baby girl!

Here is my secret Mother Truth:  I wanted a bunch of boys my whole life.  I made the mistake of saying it out loud because those who knew my secret assumed I was disappointed.  Are you kidding me?!  After nine long months of daily paranoia and prayer, all you want is for whatever it is to get the hell out and be able to breathe on its own.

It would have been nice to have one of each.  Why?  Well, for a few reasons…  I would love to see my husband with a son to see if he would parent any differently.  I only have a brother and we’re really tight so I would have liked for my girls to have a boy around.  I love being a mom to daughters so much that I would have liked to also be a mom to a son.  And finally, I wish I didn’t feel like I disappointed anyone.  It would have been nice for people to say congratulations and shut up!

If my husband and I decide to try again one day, it will be because we want another healthy baby rather than because we’re hoping for a boy.  Here’s a piece of advice for those of you out there who feel the need to ask, “are you gonna try for a boy?” or “are you gonna try for a girl?”.  Stop right there!  Idiots!  Odds are the brand new glowing and super blessed parents are enjoying their fantastic new creation.  It’s highly doubtful that they’re hoping it turned out differently but if they are, secretly in their heart of hearts, they’re only human because it really would have been nice to have one of each.

Photo from here and here